WARNING: This content may be triggering to some readers! Please read with caution.
Everyone knows the definition of Anorexia but not everyone knows what goes on in the mind of someone who is anorexic.
Today, I have interviewed this young adult called Millie who is recovering from anorexia to put everyone who is reading this in her shoes or help anyone who is recovering/experiencing it right now.
I asked Millie what Anorexia meant to her, she told me…
“Anorexia is control.”
When her life was messy, stressful or upsetting, anorexia became a shoulder to cry on therefore manifesting with her day-to-day struggles.
It’s like your mind is hell-bent on controlling food, intake, exercise, weight then turns into wanting to be “skinny” and aiming to achieve this sickly thin figure.
Anorexia helped Millie in a way that it was like a friend.
It helped her gain control and she only realised it now, two years later, that it didn’t help at all but created more problems.
The illness is manipulating.
It makes you feel as if all this restriction, weight loss etc. are the right things to do when in reality, they’re the opposite.
My problem: I don’t want to eat but I do and when I do, I hate myself a little more.
It was back in 2016 when it all started..
…Millie was very unhappy with her body and how she saw herself. She was overweight so she decided to lose some kilos in a healthy way: exercise and eating a little less.
Her GCSE exams were coming up and her anxiety was very strong just by thinking of them therefore exercise helped her a lot. When she finally got to her “weight goal”, she was still unhappy so…
...She carried on.
To lose confidence in one’s body is to lose confidence in oneself.– Simone De Beauvoir.
Millie began fearing foods that she ultimately had cut out, categorising them into good or bad, using exercise as a punishment and all around giving the control to her eating disorder.
Her mum was the one who noticed that her daughter had an eating disorder and was really concerned. Millie always wanted the smaller portion, wanted to skip meals, snacks and desserts purely out of fear.
She became afraid of food- starting with a few then amounting to absolutely any food. She believed anything she ate would make her gain a lot of weight so tried to restrict to counteract that.
If given a regular portion, Millie would: cry, scream, kick, have suicidal thoughts, compensatory behaviour and probably restrictions afterwards.
The reaction of her friend’s and family’s were mostly confused at first.
She had support from pretty much everyone.
She did lose a few friends but it showed how true and loyal they really were.
The hardest part of Millie’s journey was definitely when her ED team admitted her to a hospital. It was the worst day of Millie’s life so far but it was also the catalyst to her recovery.
She didn’t want to recover at the time but that push really helped her to start and try to embrace life and recovery.
Millie had to eat, whether she liked it or not. If she didn’t eat, she’d be tubed and sectioned.
They kept her alive. She ate because she realised that she wanted so much essence.
Yes, she was forced to be there but in the end, she made the choice to carry on.
It is much more than the rich white skinny woman aesthetic that the media perceives it to be.-Millie.